Blog @ Mourningstart

2024-03-12

Grief at School

In my opinion, the Tonkin Model (1996) shows the role a griefcounsellor can play in someone’s grief process. Before I started my studies in Grief & Loss Therapy, I didn’t know that grief had so many different layers, accompanied by so many different emotions. And even more important, everyone grieves in their own way, it’s all in line with how you’ve learned to cope in life. Grief won’t get ’smaller’, but as the grieving person becomes more resilient, it becomes more bearable. A grief counsellor helps to build resilience.

Now about dealing with griefatschool. Acknowledging grief at school and knowing how to deal with it can make a big difference to a pupil. How difficult is it to feel safe among your classmates, when you have just experienced a major loss at home? 

I met a girl once. She was 16 when her brother died by suicide—a deep shock and loss for the girl and her parents. The girl had always been a good student, but after her brother’s death, she struggled to find her way at school. Though surrounded by many friends, suddenly these friends seemed distant. They didn’t understand her or the depth of her grief. The school was of little help; she received a few exam extensions. As a result, things worsened; the girl felt increasingly alone, while her friends couldn’t comprehend why she remained sad for so long. Why couldn’t she just move on with her life? No one knew what to say or do. Even at home, the girl didn’t express her feelings or grief. She didn’t want to burden her parents, who were already struggling with the loss of their son. I often see this pattern in this age group; they can’t share their feelings with their friends, and at home they don’t want to burden their parents. The risk for grieving teenagers is that they become isolated, which complicates their grieving process.

Once in therapy, it became clear that what the girl needed wasn’t so complicated: acknowledgment that she was allowed to be sad, an understanding that grief has no time frame. A little warmth, by being a little extra kind on her brother’s birthday. Supporting someone in their grief can be so simple, but you need to know what to do and what not to do, no matter how well-intentioned.

And is grief only about a loss by death? No; kids may also experience grief as a result of relocation, the divorce of parents or an illness within the family.

Schools can take action to prevent a child from repeating a grade, showing unwanted behaviour, or facing even more pain because of the loneliness they experience in their daily schoolenvironment.